Lonely

Alone.  Always alone.  Who is there for me to open up to?  I used to have so many friends - used to have those that I loved and spent so much time with that I considered them family.  What happened to them?  I am so sick of trying to fit in but only feeling like the weird outcast of any situation.  Even my family... they don't know the real me anymore.  I learned a long time ago to cover up my wounds, hide my scars behind smiles.  Why can't I let even them in? 

I am at the point where I feel like I want to just give up on everything - work, school, dreams, life.  The constant struggle to pull myself out of this deep, dark hole only to be kicked once again into the darkness.  They say that when one door closes another opens - or at least a window.  But I am in a windowless room with one way in or out.  The door has been shut, locked, bolted, and there is no way out.  I am tired of the darkness.  I no longer fear it and I can now see clearly with no light at all.  I don't even know if my eyes could adjust to the light of day any longer. 

Sad songs and spoken words are the only things about me that represent my feelings anymore.  I don't open my mouth to let others in.  Instead, I open my wrists and let the blood pouring out release me from the hell I feel inside.  When did it come to the point that I couldn't express myself anymore?  When did I learn to be silent and take the pain that assaults me from every corner?  When did I convince myself of my own lack of self worth? 

I keep wasting day after day of my precious life on these feelings of sadness and grief, but I don't know how to get out of the never ending cycle I have put myself in.  When I look back at my life, what will the highlights be?  Even now, I see nothing worthwhile.  All there is is unending pain and stories that I don't let myself tell.  Secrets that I keep to myself because I am afraid of letting anyone else in but at the same time screaming for them to help me.  Where did my life go so wrong?

Questions on my mind

Absolute, complete beauty.  I'm not sure what he meant by that.  Of course, the words themselves are easy to understand, but what he sees in me I don't really understand.  I look in the mirror and see someone that is less than perfect.  I know I need to open up.  I know I need to accept love in my life.  I don't know what scares me so much about that.  If I tell him my entire history and bare my soul to him, will he accept me?  What if he leaves once he sees the real me? 

Sometimes I feel like I am a broken person - someone that has been used up and thrown away by others.  I feel like I have been abandoned by others so many times in the past.  My father was not a real part of my life, my mom's ex-fiance left after changing everything about me forever, my best friend passed away at the youngest of ages, my boyfriend fell out of love with me, my friends turned against me and ruined me in front of others.  How am I supposed to trust again?  How do I open myself up to others when it seems that I get hurt every time? 

As I ask these questions to myself, a part of me is also begging me to see the best in the others.  I inately want to trust people and think that they are really good.  Giving chance after chance is something that I often do - allowing others to constantly walk all over me.  I know I need to be more confident and have the self-esteem in myself that I can do anything that I set my mind to.  At the same time, I have doubts about so many things that it is hard to stay positive.  Will I really do well in the field that I have chosen?  Am I worth something more to someone out there?  Will I be alone forever?  These are all questions that plague me and make me wonder.