Lonely

Alone.  Always alone.  Who is there for me to open up to?  I used to have so many friends - used to have those that I loved and spent so much time with that I considered them family.  What happened to them?  I am so sick of trying to fit in but only feeling like the weird outcast of any situation.  Even my family... they don't know the real me anymore.  I learned a long time ago to cover up my wounds, hide my scars behind smiles.  Why can't I let even them in? 

I am at the point where I feel like I want to just give up on everything - work, school, dreams, life.  The constant struggle to pull myself out of this deep, dark hole only to be kicked once again into the darkness.  They say that when one door closes another opens - or at least a window.  But I am in a windowless room with one way in or out.  The door has been shut, locked, bolted, and there is no way out.  I am tired of the darkness.  I no longer fear it and I can now see clearly with no light at all.  I don't even know if my eyes could adjust to the light of day any longer. 

Sad songs and spoken words are the only things about me that represent my feelings anymore.  I don't open my mouth to let others in.  Instead, I open my wrists and let the blood pouring out release me from the hell I feel inside.  When did it come to the point that I couldn't express myself anymore?  When did I learn to be silent and take the pain that assaults me from every corner?  When did I convince myself of my own lack of self worth? 

I keep wasting day after day of my precious life on these feelings of sadness and grief, but I don't know how to get out of the never ending cycle I have put myself in.  When I look back at my life, what will the highlights be?  Even now, I see nothing worthwhile.  All there is is unending pain and stories that I don't let myself tell.  Secrets that I keep to myself because I am afraid of letting anyone else in but at the same time screaming for them to help me.  Where did my life go so wrong?